Personal Evolution

Recently I’ve been really happy. Nothing spectacular has happened. There hasn’t been some sudden influx of good news, but I’m still happy.

Everyday that I go to work I have a smile on my face. I smile a lot on the weekends too. I caught myself smiling all by myself and then I knew that I had the sort of joy that could only come from knowing that God loves me.  Even the stuff that hasn’t exactly gone my way of late can’t steal my joy away.  Life can be that simple.

I have a lot going for me. There are plenty of people in this world that would like to be as blessed as I am. Sure, things could be even better but the truth of the matter is that I’m not wanting for anything. It would be nice to be a millionaire. I would be nice to have a wife and children. It would be nice to travel and to explore the world with reckless abandon. I don’t have very many complaints, though. I live with the reassuring feeling that my life is getting better.

Something tells me that I’m getting better at living life, too. There is nothing like progress. I hope that each of you that takes the time to read my words are growing and advancing too.  We might not all be grand and majestic on the world’s stage, but that doesn’t mean that your part isn’t important: play it well.

Let us never forget what this whole thing is about.

Uncharted Waters: DeMatha Football is Going for Seven Titles in a Row

* Doesn’t officially participate in WCAC football until 2010.

** Doesn’t officially participate in WCAC football until they grow a pair.

  

Let me start this whole thing off by saying that I fully expect DeMatha to win championships in the following sports this academic year: Soccer, Football, Basketball, Wrestling, Lacrosse, Golf, and Tennis.  Seven seems like a fitting theme for the year but I wouldn’t be surprised if we added Swimming, Ice Hockey, Baseball, and Track to the bounty.  The DeMatha Stags are even set to compete as a front runner in Cross Country and could conceivably run the table this year.  At this rate, it is only a matter of time before it happens.  Okay maybe I’m a DeMatha Stag fanatic, but hopefully this preview will help you develop your own appreciation for America’s finest Catholic all male secondary school.

What happens when you have kids that really want to succeed at life and you give them expert tutelage in liberal academic environment coupled with the moral discipline that comes along with a Catholic education?  They usually end up succeeding at just about everything they put their minds to. My hat is already off to the entering class of 2013 because my guess is that they want to win just as badly as the classes of the years prior.  The formula has never been more transparent.  The freshmen will undoubtedly have their time to shine, and some continue to break through despite playing on teams stacked up in the depth charts.   (See James Robinson of DeMatha basketball and Michael Branthover of DeMatha football, below, who both saw playing time as freshmen.)  Coach McGregor has a luxury many coaches dream of and he doesn’t play freshman on the varsity anymore.

The best still want to come to DeMatha because they know that they’ll be taught by the best that have a proven track record of success.  Although there are some things that have changed since the days when I haunted the hallowed halls; I’ve only been witnessing DeMatha get deeper and deeper every year.  Sure it was a slow trickle at first but the Stags seem to be building towards something spectacular.  In the classrooms and playing fields DeMatha kids learn from the most dedicated, and talented pedagogues.  Believe me when I tell you that they are sick in the game.  My former principal there, John Moylan, reigned over a spectacular career by any standard and received glory and acclaim for his work as an educator.  Do you know what he does in his “retirement?”  He coaches kids to become All American kickers and punters.  This is a guy who recently had a hip replacement.  Check the video.

YouTube – (Branthover) Remembering Art Doyle care of Brendan Ponton.

 

Speaking of Football

Who are we kidding?  DeMatha wants to win seven WCAC football championships in a row and they’re fully reloaded.  Coach Bill McGregor has gone on record and said that this is going to be one of his most experienced teams.  I believe him.  I have no reason to doubt a man who has the best coaching staff in the conference even when he didn’t have so many kids returning to play.  Coach Bill McGregor has sent a great deal of young men off to college with Division 1 scholarships, too.  There is probably no other coach in the country that can match his numbers when you consider he is entering his twenty-eighth season at the helm.

Some say that there is a controversy at the quarterback position with the graduation of last year’s MVP Tommy Chroniger who is playing at Towson State now.  If you were the best coach in the WCAC would you be worried?  (Offensive Coordinator Chris Baucia and junior Danny Tapscott, anyone?)  I’m already anticipating one of Coach McGregor’s famous running years in which he just pounds the hell out of teams on offense and then lets Assistant Coach Deno Campbell punish them some more on defense.  This is definitely the type of team that can do that because DeMatha is loaded on both sides of the ball with muscle, power and tenacity.  Woe to the opposition that believes that DeMatha kids aren’t mentally tough, and coached up!  Just think about this for a moment: Coach McGregor has built this tremendous football dynasty without the benefit of ever having a true home field because DeMatha has never had a football stadium or even a practice field.

DeMatha does have a history of pumping out tremendous football players under the guise of defensive back/ running back hybrids and this year is not going to be any different.  Senior Jeff Knox (6’3”, 4.55 forty yard dash) might be the best overall athlete in the WCAC this year.  I fully expect the University of Pittsburgh committed recruit to pick up where he left from the 2008 WCAC championship game in which he played excellent defense and then rushed for over 100 yards.  Senior Marcus Coker (6’1”, 222 lbs, 4.50 forty yard dash) is going to help him out carrying the rock as the University of Iowa recruit looks to eclipse 1000 yards for the second straight year as the featured back.  Look for DeMatha to break-in some younger running backs, too, in order to equate to high times of possession.

They are going to have plenty of help up front in the form of a massive offensive line anchored by human plows Shane Johnson (6’5”, 301 lbs, senior), Jake Geiser (6’3”, 273 lbs, senior), Arie Kouandijio (6’6”, 314 lbs, senior), and his “little” brother Cyrus Kouandijio, a junior who towers at 6’7”.  The offensive line is once again a force to be reckoned with both on the football field and at buffet spreads.  I don’t think that there is a finesse team in the WCAC with enough mustard that can account for all that beef.  And as if that isn’t enough another outstanding senior defensive back, Lorenzo Waters (6’1” 197 lbs, 4.49 forty yard dash) is set to make his mark to round out the list of names of kids that Coach McGregor is counting on to make this year special.

The DeMatha Stags begin the year as the number one football team in the state of Maryland and the number 25 spot in the respected USA Today poll which has been canvassing the country’s best high school football teams the longest.  Some newer publications have DeMatha football ranked as high as fifteenth in the nation, so you begin to see why I’m picking the DeMatha Stags to win the WCAC football championship in 2009.  The boys can flat out play, and this is the third year in a row that they’ve made just about everybody’s pre-season national poll.  With that being said, there is no true national game on this year’s schedule which reflects Coach McGregor’s philosophy to take care of stuff around the house.  There are some big games ahead, and to the delight of the Washington metropolitan area, they are all home grown.

Check the 2009 DeMatha Football Schedule Here

#1  DeMatha.  In addition to winning their seventh WCAC football championship in a row, I fully expect that the DeMatha Stags will protect their claim as the best that Maryland has to offer by avenging last year’s loss to the Gilman Greyhounds of Baltimore on September 12^th.  The Stags could possibly contend twice with the recent Montgomery County conference rival Good Counsel for the reestablishment of football supremacy in the state of Maryland.  Crabcakes and football, baby!  Whether it is a four county schedule or not, I like the fact that DeMatha isn’t one of those teams that will run away from local opponents.  Besides the Stags representing Prince George’s County to the fullest, the rest WCAC is hard enough as it is…

#2  Good Counsel.  The Falcons still can’t catch a break.  Despite being absolutely loaded last year they managed to lose the championship for the sixth year in a row to DeMatha.  They return a solid linebacker corps with names like Gloster and Pitsenberger returning but I think that the Falcons are headed towards a rebuilding year and might have some trouble where they previously cruised.  Head Coach Milloy is certainly up to the task, but one has to wonder if losing so many big games to DeMatha isn’t taking a toll on his psyche.  Fortunately for Coach Milloy he also has speed demon Louis Young who can play offense and defense and offers stability and peace of mind to a team that lost a bunch of bright stars in a losing effort.

#3  Saint Johns College.  The Cadets haven’t been able to beat Good Counsel in recent years and that has eaten away at their confidence in big games.   While they have continued to make the playoffs, I wonder if SJC hasn’t fallen even further from their goal of another WCAC title in recent years to contrast their historic football program.  Perhaps their cue to issue in a new era of winning will be their newly constructed football stadium?  All around athlete Chuck Brown will probably give everyone in the conference a reason to think so.

#4  Bishop McNamara.  The Mustangs struggled to make the playoffs last year but they’ve managed to accomplish that four years in a row, now.  The best thing that they have going for themselves out in Forestville is the fact that they have a bona fide DeMatha alumnus as a head coach in Bryce Bevill.  The other thing that McNamara has going for them is a five star wide receiver by the name of Brandon Coleman.  If he can get the ball consistently, there is no doubt that WCAC will yield big yards-after-catch numbers because the 6’6”, 200 lb, two sport athlete has more than decent speed.

#5  Bishop O’Connell.  Last year the Knights surprised a few teams.  I don’t think that they will come as a surprise to anyone this year as most look to them to play the best WCAC football in the state of Virginia.  If they can sustain the momentum that they have seemingly built up over the years then they just might achieve their next goal of finally returning to the playoffs.  I have no idea how they are going to do it, but Coach Trimble has already pieced together a formidable football team and has his squad looking decent again.  Of course last year’s Coach of the Year will have his third son, Joshua, vying for a college scholarship in as many years so it just might be the charm that gets them into the playoffs.

#6  Gonzaga.  The Purple Eagles have problems on the football field.  If they keep messing around they are going to lose to Carroll pretty soon.  The once storied program hasn’t made the playoffs in years and they have some question marks in the skill positions.  All of this doesn’t bode well when you have teams just below you itching to make a quick name at your expense.  Look for junior quarterback Kevin Hogan to protect their reputations after throwing for over 1000 yards and 10 touchdowns even though he only started six games of last year’s disastrous 2-8 campaign.

#7  Archbishop Carroll.  I don’t know.  I can’t really explain myself.  I have to fight every urge in my fiber not to rank them number two in the WCAC even though they failed to win a game last year in my eyes.  (And I mean to say that the 69-0 “victory” over the Sparrows Point school that I had never heard of didn’t count in their 1-9 season.)  The Lions used to be so good.  I know that I wrote this last year and it paints me as a black supremacist, at best, and a overt racist at the worst, but if Carroll doesn’t shock someone this year it should stymie geneticists all over the world.  How can the black Catholic high school that was so good in my day, be in the cellar for so long today?  Senior defensive end Jeremiah Attaochu will likely do some things that will give the Carroll Lions a ray of hope. 

#8  Paul VI.  The Panthers have the coolest uniforms in the league but they lost too many players due to transfers.  Clearly the program is in shambles or I would have had them ahead of Archbishop Carroll, at least.  When the leading rusher in the WCAC leaves your high school because he isn’t getting scholarship offers, there is a very serious problem.  I have no idea what Paul VI is going to do about the mass exodus that happened over the summer this year –four probable starters bolted for other schools outside of the WCAC.  What I do know is that the former leading rusher in the WCAC will probably have the last laugh because Paul VI is light years away from their miraculous, lone championship run in 1999.

#9  Saint Mary’s Ryken.  Technically the “other Knights” aren’t in WCAC football yet but this is the second year of their introduction into the league.  The first year showed that they had a lot to learn as they couldn’t manage a win.  Look for more of the same hard knocks for SMR this year in their abbreviated schedule.  Life is going to be tough out there in Charles County for a while.  You might want to give them a couple more years although they return their starting quarterback, Senior Chris Rixey, from last year.

#10  Bishop Ireton.  The Cardinals are again sitting out this year in WCAC football because they don’t want to compete against DeMatha.  Seriously, the school signed a petition like ten years ago to get DeMatha banned from the WCAC because the Stags win too many championships.  I guess that’s how they do it in Alexandria?  I’m going to keep ranking them last every year that they compete in all the other WCAC sports except football from now on because they suck for picking and choosing.  I wouldn’t be surprised if they were the best private football team in the state of Virginia, but I couldn’t tell you one of their players today though.

 

Week by Week, Games to Watch

DeMatha is the place where you send your kid if you think that he has what it takes to earn a college scholarship.  The Trinitarians are going to help your kid do it and their plan has nothing to do with a football stadium.  (It makes perfect sense when you consider that Coach McGregor sent 13 kids to college last year but over one half of the 222 graduating seniors of 2009 received some type of scholarship offer, anyway.)  We’re playing our games all over Maryland, with home games at the Prince George’s County Sports & Learning Center in the shadow of Fed Ex field.  So don’t go driving up Hyattsville for homecoming.  So without further procrastination I present the Games of the Week. 

Week One:  29 AUG Gonzaga @ Anacostia.  I don’t know who needs this win worse,  the Purple Eagles who totally embarrassed themselves in a similar endeavor to conquer a DCIAA school or the Anacostia Indians who want to prove that they can play without recently retired, the legendary Coach Willie Stewart?  This nonconference game will be good indicator of the overall health of both leagues.  There was a time when even the bottom of the WCAC could count on victories against DCIAA teams, but as I’ve also seen times change.  FYI Coach Willie Stewart un-retired and decided to do one more year, like a punch drunk boxer, bringing his total to 41 years at the helm over there at the South East, Washington DC public high school.

Week Two:  04 SEP Archbishop Carroll @ Bishop Ireton.  The world is dying to see what Coach Houchens has done to improve on the most abysmal seasons that Carroll has ever had.  Beating Bishop Ireton even though they don’t officially play in the WCAC would be a good start.  This is a reality check, game.  Because this game is nonconference the Carroll Lions will look to prove that they can even play football with a team that somebody has at least heard of.  Bishop Ireton would like nothing better than to notch another victory against a school competing in the league that they are ultimately afraid of fully participating in. (Bishop Ireton plays in the WCAC for every sport except football, instead opting to compete for an independent state title.)  Archbishop Carroll is in Washington DC so they don’t necessarily fit into the Virginia Private School Championship picture which is why the Cardinals are dreaming of a win-win.

Week Three: 12 SEP DeMatha @ Gilman.  The Stags need to win this one on the road in Baltimore if they are going to call themselves the number one football team in the state of Maryland this year.  The Gilman Greyhounds ended those hopes early for DeMatha last year when they handed them their first of two losses on the season.  The Stags bounced back in terrific fashion, but we all know that they hate to lose and want to compete for as many titles as possible.  The Greyhounds, on the other hand, fizzled out and faded last year but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to set DeMatha back for the second year in a row. 

Week Four:  26 SEP Bishop McNamara @ Gonzaga.  It seems that we get to find out if Gonzaga will be in the playoffs earlier and earlier every year.  In 2009 the gut check comes when the Purple Eagles have to defend their home turf against a McNamara team that likes the pecking order just the way it is.  The Mustangs usurped Gonzaga years ago as a playoff contender so look for this game to have huge implications.  Athletic Director and Head Coach Reyda would only have himself to blame if Gonzaga has little hope of making the playoffs before the end of September.

Week Five:  02 OCT Gonzaga @ DeMatha.  No matter what happens the week before Gonzaga will be up and ready to play this game.  The Purple Eagles’ Athletic Director double duties as the Head Football Coach and he was shamed last year when Gonzaga failed to score more than six points for the second year in a row against a tough DeMatha defense.  The rivalry might not be as old as Gonzaga versus Saint Johns College or Gonzaga versus Georgetown Prep but DeMatha versus Gonzaga is certainly as heated as the link to that video is hilarious. The fact that this game is also homecoming for DeMatha is also of note.

Week Six:  09 OCT Good Counsel @ DeMatha.  Just because the game won’t be broadcasted on ESPN this year doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make every available effort to be there.  Depending on how things go at the beginning of the season, this game could have national significance but at a minimum the contest has major influence on the WCAC playoffs.  Every stretch of my imagination tells me that DeMatha is seeking revenge for a regular season blow-out in 2008 and a number one seed.

Week Seven:  17 OCT Bishop O’Connell @ McNamara.  Last year they were separated by only one point, with McNamara eking out a victory on the road to propel the Mustangs to the playoffs.  The Bishop O’Connell Knights have been on the doorstep in recent years and will look to stun McNamara at home so that they can have a chance at a WCAC title.  This game is likely to be for all the marbles if there are no upsets in early conference play so be ready for another nail biter that could go all the way down to the wire. 

Week Eight:  23 OCT Saint Johns College @ Good Counsel.  The Cadets will want to send the message that they can hang with the upper echelon of competition in the WCAC.  A win by the Falcons serves notice that they will still be a power in the conference this year and possibly for years to come.  If Good Counsel can manage to beat Saint Johns during a year in which they are rebuilding then it leaves little consolation for all the hard work that the Cadets have done to stay relevant.  Will the Falcons kill the upset noise?

Week Nine:  31 OCT Bishop O’Connell @ Saint Johns College.  One of these two teams is likely to be searching for a much-needed win.  The tough schedule of the WCAC doesn’t leave much room for breaks.  Nothing comes easy and playoff spots are to be protected at all costs.  The O’Connell Knights leave the comforts of Fairfax Virginia to come to play in the Cadets’ brand new stadium in Washington DC, and the Hallows Eve magic could be in the air and play a trick or treat.  

Week Ten:  07 NOV Paul VI @ Bishop O’Connell.  This is the best that the WCAC can muster for a battle in Virginia now that Bishop Ireton has basically quit the league.  (Ireton refused to play O’Connell this year despite the historic rivalry in order to preserve their schedule for the Virginia Private Schools Championship –a strategic and shrewd move on their part.)  What we’re left with is a struggling Paul VI team searching for importance in an extremely competitive league.  If the Panthers have any dignity they have to put up a good fight against a surging O’Connell team for recruiting purposes alone.  Paul VI has been losing the battle of late but you know what they say happens when you back a wild animal in the corner? 

There is bound to be a great finale to the WCAC regular season.

The WCAC Semifinals will be played on November 13, 2009.

The WCAC Finals will be played at Navy Marine Corps Memorial Stadium on November 21, 2009.

Facts: The woman, referred to as Miz Thang,  that I am discussing is a native of Washington DC, a registered nurse, and a member of a Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. She has never been married and she also happens to be 34-years-old. Her last boyfriend of four years left her for another woman after Miz Thang put him through law school. She is a member of my aunt’s church who decided that we should meet each other.

The Meeting: We went on one date to a baseball game on Sunday, August 18^th. She was late because she went to brunch with her “girlfriends” and couldn’t make the 1:30PM start time. We arrived sometime after the 3^rd inning, sat and talked. She wasn’t hungry. I bought her ice cream anyway. The Nationals won the game in extra innings and we went back to my place where she demanded to see proof that I was employed. I gave her a business card, but she was adamant that more proof be offered because people could have business cards printed anywhere. I showed her my W-2 from last year and then we settled on the balcony and chatted some more. I must not have been all that interesting to her because she fell asleep during the conversation. I took that as my cue to walk her back to her car before we went our separate ways. I thought she had a lot of baggage but also a lot of potential. I think that it is worth noting here that I’m also an idiot, though.

The Follow-up Conversation: After talking about incidentals and whatnot on the phone, I told her that I would pick our third date if she would pick the second. Her choice was for me to go over to her house to hang blinds. I balked at the idea, although I begrudgingly said that I could help her on the weekend, just not during the week. She meant for me to come over and hang blinds at her house the next day: a Tuesday. When I asked if she was going to make me dinner or a sandwich or something for helping her, I didn’t get the response that I expected. She basically straight up said she didn’t feel like doing it.  But she still wanted to know why I couldn’t just do it without expecting anything in return. I suppose that I could have done it out of the kindness of my heart, but instead I couldn’t wait to get off the phone. I made up a semi-viable excuse and bailed on the set. I was mad at myself for committing to helping her on Saturday because I knew that Rudy would have a field day with tales of me Simping in the game.

The Follow-up to the Follow-up Conversation: I let it breathe for a day to see if that lady was really as bad-crazy as I thought that she was. It turns out, that she was even bad-crazier than I thought. I guess she was a Facebook detective or something because I started getting all types of text messages about the women in my photos. Being the basic black girl that she is, she had a hard time wrapping her head around why every single woman in my pictures wasn’t black. She must have taken her inquiry to our only mutual friend because she asked a person that I have only seen twice since graduating college if I had a girlfriend. The mutual friend who shall be called Lacy for the sake of expedience said that she thought that I might have been dating someone back in February.

Side note:  No offense to Lacy, but it would be like me commenting that I wasn’t even really friends with on an everyday level.  Fraternities & sorority associates are in a different category with me.  (Yeah, we’re cool by organization but we probably shouldn’t be considered friends if I only see you at homecoming and fraternity/sorority functions, so make sure that you holler at The Bruzz.)  Lacy attended an affair to which I escorted a friend that happens to be Caucasian so there is some basis for her assumption, although that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Either way, there we were in July, and this lady is asking people that I don’t even really know all that well what my relationship status was.  Did I mention that I went on that one date back in February?

The Result: I called Miz Thang on the phone and told her that I didn’t have a girlfriend. I tried to get past the whole manual labor, date thing and I even expressed my plans for the third date. (I was hoping that she had better plans for a second date than me hanging her blinds.) Instead, the woman continued to assert that I was at fault for pursuing her when I had a girlfriend. I tried to tell her that if I had a girlfriend then why would my aunt try to hook me up with someone from her own church? She didn’t ever acknowledge that her line of thinking could possibly be false. I carefully listened to her entire rationalization for such accusations and then I calmly said that I’d “call later” and then I got off the phone. I just didn’t see the benefit of defending myself to a woman that I wasn’t even interested in, anymore. It is never an enjoyable feeling when you’re basically picking up where someone else left off.  She was already assuming an adversarial relationship, and I’m not interested in those for my mate.  

The Action: Immediately upon ending the previous conversation I went online to Facebook and deleted the woman as a friend. My logic was solid and my action was precise: I had no intention of corresponding with her again. (I’m really good at excusing myself and I’ll leave at the drop of a dime.) The woman already had three strikes against her, and she wasn’t fine enough to get four. I didn’t send a nasty note with the de-friend on Facebook, I just did it quietly because honestly I didn’t really even know her well enough to care yet. The next day I got text saying “U deleted me from FB? I won’t contact u again.” I offered no response thinking that I actually got away pretty clean because she exhibited too many early signs of bad crazy. I never thought that I would hear from the woman again… And then…

The Blow Up:

Miz Thang August 24 at 10:00am Report

Hey Daniel,
i saw ur aunt at church today. she asked if we were dating. i told her we met and things didn't work out and we dcided to go our seperate ways.

DanKnuckles August 24 at 10:05am

Seeing as though it's my aunt, I might have beaten you to the punch.
My mom asked what ever happed to you and I told her that you accused me of having a girlfriend and that your idea of a second date was me coming over your house to hang your blinds. I didn't even have to say anything else.
I'm almost positive that my mom said something to her sister.
Whatever happened to you not contacting me anymore?

Miz Thang August 24 at 1:51pm Report

I didnt accuse u Daniel! I told you what Lacy told me. U got upset and deleted me from ur fb page and never responded to my messages. I know u didnt tell ur mother i invited u to my house as a 2nd date to hang my blinds??? Are u serious??? i asked if u could do me a favor, what was the big deal???so u lied on me...

Miz Thang August 24 at 1:53pm Report

and stop being a smart ass daniel..

DanKnuckles August 24 at 3:14pm

Well the big deal is that I'm not some Mexican dude outside of home depot. You could easily pay someone to do your bidding around the house. I was insulted by your request. Seeing as though we had just met -and under the circumstances of me attempting to date you, I found your favor highly unusual. Maybe it wouldn't have been so unusual after the third or fourth date, but because I just met you it seemed rather ludicrous.
As for what Lacy told you, there is little that I can say. If you would take Lacy's word that I have a girlfriend over my own, then I hope that you and Lacy are happy together in your beliefs. However the intimation that my family was somehow complicit in some grand scheme to get me into your panties even though I have a girlfriend was even more insulting. Your failure to see the audacity of that scenario is what led to our disassociation. What else am I supposed to say?

Miz Thang August 24 at 3:54pm Report

there is nothing else to say..

The Grand Finale:  It was at this point that I had to go back to Lacy, and mutual friend and set the record straight. I told her that all she had to do was ask me next time so she could report accurately on my relationship status instead of guessing. Lacy is cool and took it in stride and said something to the effect that she didn’t believe that we could have worked out anyway. Apparently Lacy mentioned our correspondence to Miz Thang because two days later, I got this…

Miz Thang August 26 at 12:45am Report

I can't believe u said something to Lacy.. grow up Daniel...

DanKnuckles August 26 at 7:29am

I wouldn't have had anything to say, if you would have just kept your word and left me alone. At the end of the day, Lacy is my sorority sister and you're just some chick that has some serious issues. I have to see her again. You, on the other hand could just stop contacting me and that would probably be the end of it. But you haven't really tried that yet, have you? Stay out of my business.

Miz Thang August 26 at 9:37am Report

Some chick???WOW. I will never contact u again. YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

DanKnuckles August 26 at 9:46am

Please excuse "some chick." You are a woman with serious issues.

Miz Thang August 26 at 9:47am Report

because i took the word of my friend?? and asked u to do a simple task around my house?? Leave me alone..You are a jerk

DanKnuckles August 26 at 9:55am

Believe what you want to believe. Hang your own damn blinds. I am not the initiator of these conversations that we have been having. If you had kept your thoughts to yourself and just kept it moving you wouldn't be forced to look at yourself for what you are: shallow, unromantic, stubborn, nosy, distrusting, racist, spinster.
Mind your business and don't call no names. I can get much uglier than you can in print: I'm a writer. You're still using children's abbreviations and you write letters like SMS texts.

Miz Thang August 26 at 10:02am Report

Daniel, this is fb.. Get real. I am capable of writing as well. I have a MSA. You have serious issues.

Lessons learned:

1. Black girls aren’t easy. Want-to-be bourgeoisie black girls are impossible.
2. My policy to cut bait isn’t entirely unfounded: stick to quitting early.
3. Every first date should be as cheap and revealing.
4. I need to post my W-2 and credit score conspicuously around the house.
5. My family will stop at nothing to get me the most pussy possible.
6. It is totally acceptable to ask someone to do some “simple tasks” around your house as a means of getting to know each other or in lieu of a second date.

I guess momma won’t be feeding me any of her sorority girls for a while.

I look at my life through the prism of sports, and like many sports I believe that life has two halves. If the average life expectancy is hovering around 70 years old, then at 35, I could consider myself half-way home. As a black man I belong to a demographic that is saddled with the extra burden of having the average life expectancy of only 57, so if I were really keeping it real, I’m already 61.4% of the way home. For the purposes of this blog, however, I’m running with 70 years old for my theoretical finale. Anything less would just be reinforcing negative stereotypes and anything more will be a black man essentially participating in overtime.

Before I can look ahead to overtime though, I have got to concern myself with the game of life at hand. Right about now I reckon its halftime, and I deserve some sort of speech before I go back out there and hand an L to the world. (That “L” is both literal and figurative, if you have been following my life so far.) The only problem with life is that we have to give ourselves our own halftime speeches more often than not, so I’m writing my halftime speech to myself here so that I can always refer to it. Halftime speeches are important in sports and they might also be equally important in the game of life. They can put things into perspective and they also give an opportunity for adjustments that need to be made. I remember the some of the halftime speeches given by Basketball Hall of Fame coach Morgan Wootten, so you’ll have to forgive me if my speech to myself is an amalgamation of sorts.

Without further ado, we’ll get this thing popping in my best Morgan Wootten voice. If you don’t know what the voice of Morgan Wootten sounds like, just picture Andy Griffith without the extreme southern twang. An easygoing voice that never rushed hurriedly and was characterized by plain, slow English is what is playing in my head. Coach Wootten was never the one to get all fire and brimstone excited so whoever you think of can’t be anyone crazy with an over-the-top personality because my speech isn’t tailored for someone like that. I also superimpose the body and face of Ossie Davis over Coach Wootten because I’m black and I feel that I would probably have deeply seated issues if my life coach happened to be some white guy. Kind of like the whole Jesus is black thing, but I’ll get back to you on that.

Scene: Ossie Davis walks in front of a blackboard in an otherwise dark room where I am seated with a towel around my neck, visibly awaiting words of wisdom with sweat dripping off my chiseled, naked body. There is some diagramming and imagery on the blackboard but the life coach is blocking most of it. He is standing there wearing a tweed suit and an out-of-fashion tie. Both seem to belie the heat of the room, as the life coach doesn’t even have so much as a bead of sweat on his brow.

Ossie Davis with voice of Morgan Wootten speaks: Considering the way you’ve played to get to this point, I can’t help but be pleased with where we are at. I’m not saying that we are exactly where we want to be, but we could be doing a whole lot worse. We really started out great. I don’t think that we could have had a better start to this game, and we really seemed to be set up for success. Somewhere towards the end of the first quarter and well into the second I started to wonder about the need for a cushion. The substantial lead that we amassed quickly disappeared when the world seemed to exert the will to be a factor in the game. We didn’t play mistake-free like we’re capable of, and I think that we may have even bought into playing the world’s game instead of our game at times. We’re not a long way from victory –but we still haven’t won, so there are going to have to be some adjustments in the second half of this game.

We started out real selfish in the beginning, but I think that we’ve learned now that in order to win we are going to have to play as a team. The game has always come simple to us, so instead of over thinking this thing, we should get back to the basics. I think that the fundamentals have kept us in this thing so far and we are going to have to continue to do the right things in the right way. So far, it’s like we’ve been playing with one arm tied behind our backs because we haven’t exactly been getting the most out of our efforts. The opportunities have been there but we haven’t been able to capitalize on them with maximum efficiency yet for some reason. Turnovers are what have been ailing us the most and we have got to figure out a better way to take care of our soul. The outcome of this game could come down to time of possession so remember that every single one of them is going to count.

Your parents’ divorce, military school, the loss of your college scholarship, the fireman fiasco, the watch log affair, the World Trade Center disaster, and the great paper chase all come to mind to me as events that happened out of the blue. The fact that you’re still here after the world has come at you with all of that is a testament to your commitment to the fundamentals. I think that you’re finally beginning to see how the world works wonderfully at stalling progress, not unlike a widow’s web, but you never got caught up. The murky times revealed the most about your character. On the bright side, the rebounding out there has been something to marvel at. Don’t lose that intensity, and I have a feeling that you can wear the world down. Stay after those loose balls and don’t be afraid to get after them.

[Cut to me staring directly in the camera straight-faced and still sweating.]

[Cut back to the life coach writing another diagram on the board and spinning around just in time to obscure it, yet again.]

Life Coach resumes: The defense has been pretty good, and I don’t think that we can change much in that department, other than to keep up the good work. The offense has stalled out a bit because it appears that we’re getting distracted by the shiny goals. Let’s not forget what is really important in this game: winning is achieved when you can prioritize in life. We really don’t want to rush things because there is still a lot of time left on the clock. We’ve taken care not to tucker ourselves out and I get the feeling that we’ve actually saved the best for last. I don’t want to ruin that by putting on a press or changing things around too much, but we are going to have to man-up. What I would like to see in the second half of this game is a concerted effort to give our best shot. I spoke about it earlier, but it is worth revisiting that we’ve been doing enough to get by and almost stay even.

This isn’t a knock on your ability; I think that it says something about your decision-making process. You chose to leave New York after your parents got divorced. You chose to attend an HBCU over other Ivy League scholarship offers. You chose to join the Coast Guard. You chose to let the woman that probably loved you the most go because you weren’t able to give her what she deserved in return. Not one of those was an easy choice and I suppose that is why we’re in the position that we’re in today. You don’t seem to have too much regret in your heart, and that is important.  Let’s not forget how the Lord has smiled on you.  There are too many blessings to name, but we should just be thankful.  Surely you can show even more gratitude by delivering in the second half.

You have proved highly adaptable to adverse circumstances and proven resilient even with the odds stacked against you. I think that your new strategy should focus more on teamwork and tipping the odds in your favor. This will allow you to operate more comfortably, and not have to always be on the brink. The game is easy but you still have to make good passes and set your teammates up for success. We can’t really dwell too long on things that we can’t control, but in addition to having the kind of spirit that is catchable, other people still have to catch it. I’m not worried about the score or any of that though because I know what we’re capable of doing. I still believe, in my heart of hearts, that this championship is ours to lose.

Don’t go out there and try to put the world away, all at once. There is plenty of time left on the clock, remember? There isn’t much time left in this locker room, though. Now make sure that you go out there and get a good warm-up for the start of the second half. Let’s get ready to get out there and show them what we’re all about.

Let’s bow our heads. Let us pray…

[Fade to black.]

Think of what would happen if Kookbox shot commercials.  You just know that I would be able to work my magic and have some say in them.  As you may already understand, I am well versed in preppy haberdashery and somewhat of a basketball aficionado so my influence may have already resulted in groundbreaking collaborations. I’m not saying that I’m a shot caller at Kookbox but, just take a look at just one of the ideas that I’m tossing around in my head right now and tell me that it shouldn’t go down:

Accenting the All American

Scene:  Pan out showing two dudes on a globe.  One clearly Hawaiian, located somewhere around Southern California.  The other is clearly a Negro from Staten Island about to get on the train somewhere in New York City.  We see them both on the screen, transverse, from sea to shining Sea.  Kookbox wants to be where you are and only let’s you hear the accents from two specs on the screen filled with the globe…

Picture me speaking in my best Danny Fuller voice: You see the thing about it is that everybody’s all thinking that Kookbox isn’t even really all that official here, and that is just not the case.  The real shit is that Kookbox is really so official that you didn’t even know about it, yeah?  We’re so down on the mainland that we do shit with like fucking everybody’s All-American, Ralph Lauren, type Polo shit that knocks your little shit out of the frame, yeah?  Kookbox is fucking shit crazy out of control, yeah?  I bet you don’t know shit about it brah. 

Okay, know think of me like Knuckles (Clyde Smith) from off the Supreme Clientele Ghostface Killah album (again):  A-yo sonne this is Knuckles, nah mean?  A-yo sonne, I’m-ma just tell you that Kookbox is that crack, nah mean?  Shits is out of control at Kookbox, walking on water sonne, nah mean?  Cats is on some straight miracle shit.  We not fuckin’ playin’ around with your little bitch-asses, sonne, nah mean?  We on our Polo shits.  Paper ya’ know what I’m sayin’?!  We gonna make our stacks…  catch waves…  and make a better world for the children, nah mean?  And you know who this is.  This is Knuckles!  Now get the fuck out my face.

And fade…  Out!

 

Now think of what would happen if I were the commissioner of professional surfing. 

Imagine if Surfing Were Like an NBA-PGA Hybrid

Not long ago I was on Surfline drooling over what I’m not getting on a daily basis anymore –like my ex-girlfriend’s Facebook page, and I came across an article on Kelly Slater talking about what the sport of surfing needs.  Maybe it was ESPN?  (“I smoked the color TV.”)  The point of the reference is that I starting thinking to myself what I  would do to the sport of surfing if I  were the commissioner.  The first thing that I’d do is get some black people in it: Namely, myself.  Fuck the David Stern shit, I’d be a Commissioner/Player. How else am I supposed to win a tournament? And then I’d have to get a brother like Stephon Marbury in that joint, running the point.  I don’t know, someone would have to teach him how to surf or some shit.  Whatever:  it could happen because Stephon is an athlete.  I’m sure he’s going to be looking for work soon because I heard that the Celtics had already tried to shop him. 

Anyway, how do you build up a surplus of brothers when you’re starting out with pretty much close to none?  Kookbox, that’s how.  Stephon, if you are somewhere reading this please stop crying in front of your computer screen and buy a Kookbox surfboard.  (Click on the picture of Joel’s House of Kookbox, below.  Don’t worry, someone will teach you how to ride it.)  Get ready for your second career, ‘Starbury.’  We’re waiting for you, so seriously, have your people get in contact with our people so we can transform surfing.  Really, we’ll make it kind of like the Professional Golf Association so the sponsorship will be sick and people will actually want to follow the tour.  That’s right, Stephon.  I’m basically saying that there is more publicity out there for you in the world of surfing if you are willing to align yourself with Kookbox.  I won’t even get into the fact that surfing is an individual pursuit.  I know that you like to like to think of yourself as kind of a big deal.  What do you know about Tiger Woods type of fame?  Anyway, we’re way more spiritual and soulful than Tiger is, so you should feel right at home with us.